I was scared to fall in love. Terrified, actually. I watched the relationships of so many others fall apart that I had no desire to go searching for a man. Of course, being a teenager, I had my dreams of falling asleep wrapped up in the arms of the guy I loved. I wanted that kind of love, don't get me wrong, but I was going to let it come to me.
I heard many warnings of what guys 'where like', how they thought, what they wanted... My reaction was to draw as little attention to myself as possible. I didn't wear makeup all the time. Everyone I knew had seen me with and without makeup. I wore clothes that where generally as loose and unfashionable as womens clothes could be. I even went through a phase where I wore the Mennonite jumper dresses.
I wasn't ashamed of my body. It was simply a test. I figured any guy that I met would either be deterred by the way I dressed because my body shape wasn't apparent, or he would see through the way I looked to my heart.
I made a promise to myself: that I would not date anyone until I was 18. I didn't trust myself or my feelings until then. I had my crushes. I had guys 'on my radar'. But I didn't want to date a guy I didn't think I could marry. There was one when I was 17 that I nearly dated, we where seen as an item for a while, but we rarely saw one another and our relationship was mostly online. I thought I loved him enough to marry him, but a really wise father-figure in my life told my parents he felt it wasn't the right move. I respected his opinion immensely and I ended it. Lo and behold, he was so right. The relief I felt when I ended the relationship was a big indicator to me at the time. And I ended up marrying the man of my dreams.
~~~
Midnight on New Years, 2009, during a party at my friends house, I felt it. That year. That year was going to be a year of changes for me. Little did I know the man I would marry was at that very party. I found out later that he was thinking about me, thinking about how funny it'd be if 'I was the one'.
Now, I had seen Joe on and off for years. He was my best friends brothers best friend. He taught me how to bowl when I was 14 during a 4-H party I went to with my friends. I was this giddy hyped-up-on-sugar teen who was highly embarrassed because a cute 18 year old guy was teaching me how to bowl. I was an epic fail at it. I think he got pretty frustrated with me because I had the attention span of a squirrel.
Later when we started dating I mentioned that incident. He didn't even know I was the same girl, much to my chagrin.
Joe and I started talking online after New Years. He became a really good friend. He ended up going on a trip with a group of teens down to Vancouver, WA. There was going to be a homeschoolers dance down there. And Joe was going to teach us how to swing dance.
I remember that day so clearly. We cleared the living room and turned on the music. Joe looked at me and asked me to dance first. My heart dropped in my stomach. I had never danced in my life, let alone while holding a mans hand! I buried my face in my hands out of embarrassment and and shook my head, whimpering 'not first!' So he asked the girl next to me.
I watched him intently. He amazed me. He was so graceful and smooth. Like Fred Astaire.
Then he asked me again.
I could barely breathe as I put both hands out. He grasped them. The first thing I noticed was how gentle he was. My second thought was,
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I'm holding a guys hand!
Don't judge me. ;)
I looked at my feet, copying his movements, refusing to look him in the eye. I could feel him looking at me.
'My goodness, you can stop shaking like a leaf now!' he laughed. He brought to my attention the fact I was shaking, rather violently. I tried to laugh it off, but I'm sure my face was beet red by that point.
Eventually I was able to relax a little and we practiced. And practiced and practiced. He was an incredible teacher, never making me feel like I was inferior, or horrible at what I was doing. By the time we went to the dance, we where dancing pretty smoothly together.
When the dance was over and we all piled into the car, Joe pulled out a helium balloon, breathed it in, and began singing old folk songs and talking in a squirrelish voice.
I'm pretty sure that was the night I fell in love with him.
The homeschoolers dance. The night I fell in love.
~~~
To this day I am a firm believer in being able to tell a lot about a man by the way he leads when he dances. I have danced with many guys. You can immediately tell if they're not confident, nervous or even stubborn people. I learned a lot about Joe just by the way he danced.
I could tell he was a very gentle man. I could tell he was always aware on how comfortable I was or how tired I was getting and adjusted his moves accordingly. He took charge with a firm confidence that wasn't pushy or stubborn. He was patience when I made mistakes over and over. He was polite, and thanked me at the end of every dance. He was perfect for me.
We danced every weekend after that at the local grange hall. We learned aerial swing moves together, the nightclub two-step, line dances and even attempted the cha-cha (not our thing).
It was my best friends brother that broke the ice for us. He up and asked Joe outright if he liked me. And then told me later that Joe did.
To be honest, I freaked a little. We knew we liked each other. I'd never been past this step before. I'd never dated anyone and had no experience in this situation. So, I tried to calmly sit back and let Joe make the next move.
And he did, a few weeks later during a chat online. It was a week before my 18th birthday.
Joe: Honestly... lately there's been a girl that I've started asking myself about... She's really somethin' too. :) You've probably guessed, but her name is
Kayla R----.:)
me: *blushes deeply *
Joe: yeah... me too...
me: I don't know what to say....
:D
Though, I admit, I have been praying about it :)
From there onward the conversation was slightly strained, because he backpedaled a little, not seeing my response and assuming I was taking forever to write something long about how we wouldn't work out. The poor guy had a few girls before me give him the wrong ideas and had been hurt before. Whereas I was bouncing off the walls, with my heart in my throat, scrambling for the words to say.
I have to admit, I was a little disappointed when he backpedaled. I was afraid he changed his mind suddenly. But I took a deep breath, and went with it, not pressuring him, but letting him know I was definitely interested. I knew he had the same goals as I did. For us, we wanted dating to be a step toward marriage. He had never dated anyone either. I think we were equally scared and excited about the idea.
He came over for my 18th birthday. Things where a little awkward. It was the first time I'd seen him since he told me he liked me. I was still running on adrenaline. Things eased up a bit when we started showing off some of our dance moves to friends.
My 18th birthday
If you asked me when we started dating, I couldn't tell you. We started going out more and more, mostly with friends tagging along. But then we started going out to dinner alone (the first time we did I was a nervous wreck). We'd go on walks to the river, get Starbucks on an almost daily basis, talk online every night... He began calling me Sweetheart, and he'd sing old songs as we took drives in his 62 Chrysler 300, wandering the countryside.
I knew I loved him, and I knew I wanted to marry him. I had no doubt at all in my mind that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life.
~~~
I knew, from a very young age, my first kiss was going to be for the man I married. I guess you could say I'm a very old-fashioned person, set in my ways. Whether it was from the lack of dateable guys in my area, or my ancient courtship style, I still had my first kiss to give when I started dating Joe.
It's another one of those perfect memories, like my mind took a Polaroid of it.
I think it had been about 4 months after he said he liked me when one day we where sitting by the river. We heard nothing but the sound of the water and the birds. He was sitting, propped up by a tree. His birthday was coming up and I was trying to figure out what I should get him. I mean, what does a simple country girl like me get a highly intelligent and inventive electrical engineer? I had no clue. The thought of not having kissed him yet crossed my mind.
But a kiss? How cliche and lame was that?!
I shrugged at myself and asked him if he would like that. He said he would, but it was entirely up to me.
I looked at him, trying so hard to decide. You've probably noticed I'm a person who thinks things through thoroughly before making a decision. Kind of unromantic, I know, but it was how I felt secure in what I did.
I touched his lips. That was the first time I mentally said, 'Screw it!' then leaned in and gave him a soft lingering kiss.
Some people say their first kiss was 'ok' or a disappointment. That was the furthest thing in my case. I experienced fireworks as my chest exploded. My mind was reeling when I pulled away. I just kissed him! The thought was invigorating. I couldn't wipe the smile from my face.
Joe, on the other hand, blinked and looked at me blankly.
I got worried and asked what was wrong. He told me he must have blacked out or something, because he didn't remember it! I laughed at the slightly outrageous claim. But I went with it and gave him another.
Let us just say, I had my head so far up in the clouds the rest of the day, that I'm sure people wondered if I had any brains left.
The river became our favorite place to snuggle and kiss after that, talking about everything from Bing Crosby to how scientists where inventing a liquid a person could breathe.
Then I started feeling an extreme ache anytime we where apart. I couldn't get enough of him. I really wanted to marry him, and soon.
October 31st, 2009
~~~
Joe and I went ring shopping one day in October, and I picked out a simple diamond solitaire and white gold. I didn't want something outrageously big and flashy. Not only that, we had a tight budget. I didn't mind one bit.
A few weeks later, when Joe and I were on a date, he got a phonecall. I could hear everything. The ring was in and ready for him to pick up.
So, we went and got it. Well, I waited in the car while he ran in and got it.
I knew he had it in his pocket when he came back and the tension went up. We decided to get a Starbucks, like we always did.
I guess we aren't very romantic people, are we? I'm afraid we are rather down-to-earth.
We went in and got our coffee and climbed back into his old car.
I think Joe was about to burst as much as I was. Because in that moment he looked at me, with tears in his eyes, and said the words I was longing for.
'Kayla, I love you. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?'
I had tears in my eyes as well as I said yes, and he placed the ring on my finger.
~~~
Unfortunately, things started getting rocky. Joe's seasonal position ended and he was out of a job. I was working, but only part time because working in retail sucks like that. We both wanted to get married, and soon, but we knew that couldn't happen until we could afford to live on our own.
We both struggled with what to do next. I kept working, buying wedding stuff with my extra money, praying that we could be married soon. Months rolled by and nothing came up. It was getting harder and harder for me to stay a virgin, which was also another promise I made to myself that I would remain one until the night I got married. I loved him. I wanted to be with him in every single sense of the word.
Finally one day in the end of March, he got the magic phone call that spurred us to get married. He got a job. And he started nearly right away. I was elated. And I planned the wedding to be 2 months out. I didn't care if I didn't have everything perfect, I was going to marry the guy ASAP! Chaos ensued with my job and planning the wedding and budgeting, along with finding a place to live...
Luckily, a friend of a friend had a park mobile (approx. 300 sq ft) smack dab in the middle of 10 acres of woods. They where willing to rent it to us for cheap. I would totally do this over again if given the chance.
And so, we were married in the middle of June, 2010, a year after he told me he liked me. Our wedding was simple, no frills, and over before 4pm. Some people chided me for getting married so young. But usually it was the people who didn't know us. Those who knew us, and those close to us, coached and encouraged our relationship. If they hadn't, I don't think we would've ever been married.
~~~
To my single friends: this is my love story. Yours won't be exactly the same. Yours will have different splendid moments and different hardships. But I do want to say one thing. Being 'picky' does pay off. ;)
And this isn't the end. My love for him has been tested, it's been bent, beaten and chewed. But it's still there, growing stronger and more sincere since that night I fell in love.
